Fortuitous

The meeting between the two men had been fortuitous. It soon became obvious that the ongoing conversation that followed was not going to add anything she was not already well aware of. The conversation ran fluent from the start. The two distinguished men had many common topics of interest to chat about, all of them revolving around academic life and its petty politics. Whatever it was one of them could say the other seconded. Their common ground was boundless. Their self-approval had no limits, like two bottomless wells. A number of people clustered around the two leading figures, mere spectators. She stood up in silence and walked away from the group, heading for the exit door of the terminal building. There were a few other smokers around and the inevitable ashtray crammed with cigarette butts. Feeling the familiar wave of shame she lit her cigarette nonetheless. Shame and pleasure began to quarrel somewhere. The words from the most high and mighty of the two men still echoed in the back of her mind. Nothing that she hadn't heard before, but still. His words reached her and slowly began to undermine the period of hard work she had gone through to build her shaky confidence. Recruiting students to conduct research was no easy matter. It required a good eye on the employer to separate the wheat from the chaff, an eye not everyone had. And it required being firm and resolute and being ready to dissuade the less able ones. Time and again she asked herself whether she was one of those less able ones. Her student years were a distant memory. She had somehow made progress in the interim and had actually reached levels she didn't think were at her reach back when she was at square one. However, there was always a dreary whispering voice ready to set her achievements quaking. The man had a point, she bloody well knew, when he said that the less competent would be better off if only they knew it. He was not being sarcastic nor cynical, he was just being brutally honest. Shame and pleasure patched up their quarrel meanwhile leaving the familiar unpleasant aftertaste in her soul. She wasn't looking forward to get inside and resume her listening. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to board on a plane.